dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
