If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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