While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
