you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
