It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
