he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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