turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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