It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
