Rock
Scissors
Fuck
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
