I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
