He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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