i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
