I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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