My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
