sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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