Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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