woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
