I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
