You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
