My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
