sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
