Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
