I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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