Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
