hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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