Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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