i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
