omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
