I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
