This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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