Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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