I wish I could teleport
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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