Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
