mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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