Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
