fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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