god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
