I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Randomize
