I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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