it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
