I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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