dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
