I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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