he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
