Farmville is her only friend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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