I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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