She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
