I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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