Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
