No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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