I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
